May 03, 2003
By Tom Blake
Seventy seems a sensible retirement age. Maybe 75, if you have fire in the belly and stamina to stoke it.
Maddy Dychtwald has been married 20 times in 19 years. Before you get too harsh on Maddy for her number of trips down the aisle, it's important to know that each time she has married the same man – her husband, Ken.
Maddy is one of the leading authorities on what she calls the LifeCycle revolution.
She has delivered speeches to more than 200,000 business leaders worldwide and has written "Cycles: How We Will Live, Work, and Buy." (www.maddydychtwald.com).
Maddy's studies can help older singles understand how cyclic trends affect relationships and marriages.
She believes one key to a successful relationship is communication.
"Getting married each year started as a whim. Ken and I had so much fun at our first wedding we decided to renew our vows annually at a different location, using a different religious entity.
"Even our children have remarried us.
"Setting time aside each year gives us a chance to talk about what went right, what went wrong, and to remind us of the reason we got into the relationship to begin with," Maddy said.
She explains how people live differently now vs. how they lived as recently as 40 years ago.
"Back then, life was organized around age and lived along a linear path: school, family, one job for life, retire and die. Now, people cycle in and out of different life stages. What we do is not based on our age, but on what we feel like doing."
Maddy cited examples: going back to school, learning a new hobby, re-entering the work force, leaving relationships and finding new ones – re-creating ourselves over and over, regardless of age.
"Age 50 is no longer over the hill," she said. "You make of your life whatever you like, whatever your age, and it's exciting! Society no longer dictates when you're finished with an active life – you can keep coming back for second chances."
Maddy said older singles should have lots of friends of both sexes, that romance often follows the building of friendships.
I asked her if older single people can be happy even though they may be lonely.
"Most of us – at various moments during our lives – are going to be single and have to learn to cope with ourselves.
"Besides, you can be married and still be lonely. When you're single, you have the option to change your life and make it work. Even though you feel alone, you're not alone in feeling alone."
Maddy believes in the sanctity of marriage: "The beauty of commitment is about not walking away when you feel like it."
I asked her how people who've been married for 30 years or more can keep their marriages fresh.
"It's important to have a life outside of marriage to help your marriage.
It's not fair to say to another person "Now you're in charge of meeting all my needs; now get to it." That's a recipe for disappointment and will build each person's resentment."
That advice applies to unmarried couples as well.
"Any advice for staying young?" I asked.
"Exercise your body and mind. Play bridge, do crosswords, read. Build outside relationships. Have something that's yours, even if you're in a relationship," Maddy said.
I recommend reading "Cycles: How We Will Live, Work, and Buy" – not as a romance or finding-love book – but as an insightful explanation of what our generation is going through and how to make the best of it, even when we find ourselves single.
The book will help singles reset their priorities and understand what's affecting their lives so they can improve them. "The possibilities are open to all of us," said Maddy, "regardless of age." And it's about the time for Maddy and Ken to have another wedding ceremony – No. 21. WOW!
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